Alas, allowing Paris Gray-Brown an opportunity to vent her crabbiness about certain fashion things that irritate her for no particular reason (Irritating Fashion Stuff #1) did little but encourage her to continue scribbling out lists of other irritations. Not only that; she kept corralling the other Style Sisters and insisting that they listen and, of course, applaud, which they did not want to do.
To keep peace in the family, I had to promise her another soap box, so here we are again, begging your pardon and reminding you that she truly does want to help everyone correct and improve their behavior; it’s just that she so often does so in such an annoying way. Again, I have translated and transcribed to assure that Mme. Gray-Brown’s occasionally salty language does not offend the tender ears of our 5-year-ol pal Vivienne, whose mama occasionally reads bits of these pages to her. (Hello, Viv! Hope you’re enjoying your sparkly bracelets; I’ll wear one of mine tomorrow and think of you.)
- “Do a red lip.” What, you have just one lip? If so, we are sincerely sorry. If not, then how about if you “do red lips” or—wow, you could even “wear red lipstick”!
- “Do a smoky eye.” Ditto. Unless you’re Cyclops, please “do smoky eyes” or “wear smoky eye color.” Hey, you could even stop smoking altogether and just “wear dark, smudgy eye makeup.” That would be a good thing because the more we say smoky—smoky, smoky, smoky, smoky, smoky, SMO-kee—the stupider it sounds.
- Karl Lagerfeld pretending that his designs bear any resemblance to the refined and graceful sensibility of Coco Chanel. She was chic; he is kooky. The emperor’s new clothes, anyone?
- Body-baring clothing, regardless of its prominence on the runways at New York Fashion Week last month. We don’t care how great your abs, breasts, bum, or other typically private body parts are; we don’t want to see them. Please, save it for your lover, your mother, or the privacy of your bathtub.
- People who wear flares so long that you can’t see their shoes and their hems are literally sweeping the streets. White pants. On New York City streets. Back in the 1970s, when these pants were called bell bottoms (old wine, new name) kids bought their denim bells long and vigorously walked on them so the hems would fray and shred, which meant that they did not accept the button-down mores of The Establishment. And grownups are doing it now because … because … let’s see … could it be that they want to show that they’re solid members of The Establishment who can afford huge cleaning bills or multiple pairs of thousand-dollar pants? Conspicuous consumption at its worst. And it looks dumb.
Well, I don’t know about you guys, but we all feel a lot better.
Categories: Fashion & Humor